I really thought that Christmas would bring with it more time. Time to catch up on all of the blogs I haven't been to in weeks. Time to post a long overdue update on my own blog...

Instead, every day has been a dawn to dusk flurry of activity! Most of it completely spontaneous.

And now, my time off is ending. One more day off and then it's back to work and school and all the busyness that goes along with them.

I haven't even taken a belly pic since the last one I posted! I think about it every day, but always when I'm in the middle of something else or too exhausted to bother.

Everything is going well. I'm starting to feel Thumper squirming around in my (rapidly expanding) belly. It's really starting to feel like this is actually real. This is actually happening. It's amazing.

Anyway, I better sign off - R had a bad fall snowboarding today, which resulted in a bad sprain, and he's on his way home from the hospital right now so I need to make sure I'm ready to take care of him when he gets here.

Take care everyone! I hope to catch up on everyone's recent activities very soon!

I've been a bad bad blogger...

Frankly, I've been ridiculously busy. Between work and school and all of this extra sleep I've been needing, my blog reading and writing time is suffering. Classes are over for the semester tomorrow, and then I've just got one more term project and two exams to get through.

Thumper is happily thumping away in there - 150BPM at our check-up on Monday. Next u/s is January 16th. I think R is really excited for that one, because Thumper will be less blob-like and more baby-like by then.

I am absolutely blown away that we're 13 weeks already. It's just flown by faster than I could ever have imagined. Again, school, work, and extra sleep contribute to how fast it's going I think. At this rate, it'll be June before I know it!

OMG, I am so freakin' excited for lisalou right now, and you have to go to her blog right.this.second and see why!

New belly pic added - link to the right if you want to have a look. I see a big change between last week and this week - very exciting!

I've also been tagged by Diana for a meme, but that is going to have to wait until term projects are taken care of - three to go, first two due in two weeks! Eek! I haven't forgotten Diana, I just need to stop procrastinating and get some work done!

Spread the word!

Mel is up for an award for "Best Medical/Health Issues Blog", and we really need to rally up our support for her and help her win! It would be a huge opportunity for the IF community to get some press and help raise awareness of IF!

Please vote for Stirrup Queens until November 8th:

http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-blog-1.php

We can do this!!!

Belly Pics - Updated!

4 Weeks

8 Weeks

12 Weeks

16 weeks

20 weeks

24 weeks

WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!!

149BPM to be exact, and we heard it loud and clear!

Thumper (embie's new name - popped into my head as soon as we saw that little heartbeat) is measuring 8w0d, and is right where (s)he belongs!

I'm so relieved. Breathing feels good.

Not even 6 weeks in, and it's already come to this:

I really need to go shopping...

I'm happy to report that I am much calmer than yesterday. Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. You really helped me to relax and stop assuming the worst.

The spotting has completely subsided, and all feels normal again. Yay!

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this in a post, (I think it was in my profile info a while back, before I decided to cull it to more reasonable proportions) but prior to my pregnancy with M, I had a miscarriage at about 8-10 weeks (we hadn't gotten as far as a dating ultrasound by the time I miscarried, and well... you know how wacky my cycle lengths are!). Luckily, M was conceived the very next cycle and obviously everything went very well that time around.

Unfortunately, the emotional trauma that that miscarriage caused is still as raw today as it was almost eight years ago, and it's weighing heavily on my current experience. I am so utterly terrified that after all of this time and hard work, history will repeat itself. There is absolutely no rational reason to think that, after all so much has changed and we have such a good handle on what's going on, but rationality isn't really my strong point right now.

One thing that is really upsetting me is that I don't have a clear recollection of how that miscarriage started. Did I have brown spotting first? I know I didn't bleed red until the very end, but I don't remember what came before that. I know I had very intense cramping. But I can't remember if there was any spotting. I think there was, but I'm just not sure.

Anyway - there's nothing going on now, and I'm just going to sit back and try to enjoy that. I have to keep reminding myself that no matter what happens, there is absolutely nothing I can do right now to change anything, and therefore worrying and stressing is futile and not good for me at all!

In other news... Strangest pregnancy food issue development? I've developed an aversion to bread crusts. Very very odd. I've always loved loved loved bread crusts, but now they totally make me gag.

I discovered this after hubby delayed his tee off time (I so love that man!) to go to store to get me sandwich fixings, because I was having a craving for a roast turkey sandwich. And yes, you did read that right - my vegetarian self was craving a roast turkey sandwich. In fact, I've been craving meat (mostly chicken) like crazy the last couple of weeks, and I've been giving into the craving because I figure if I'm craving it there must be a reason.

I have been so so hungry lately. This morning, I ate breakfast at 9, and then was starving again by 11. I scarfed down my sandwich (sans crust), then I absolutely HAD to have yogurt. But I couldn't decide on what flavor I wanted between vanilla and strawberry, so I ripped open two containers and made strawberry vanilla swirl. It was super yummy, and I'm glad that no one was home because I probably looked like I was possessed while I was preparing it!

Well, I'm supposed to be studying for the midterms I have this week, but right now I'm feeling the strongest desire to soak in the tub with a good book, so I'm going to take a half hour break to do that.

Thanks again everyone who commented on yesterday's post!

Somebody *please* help me breathe!

I'm sitting here trying to calm myself down but my heart is racing and I can't take a deep breath.

Discovered some light brown discharge this morning on my TP. Immediately thought to myself 'It's okay, this is normal', but then I googled (why oh why did I google) and for every person that says they had brown spotting and went on to have a perfectly successful pregnancy, there's two that say they miscarried! Now, I know that the stats say different - 20% of pregnancies have some spotting, and in 80% of those everything is perfectly fine - but I can't help but be terrified right now.

Time to dig out one of my meditation CDs...

Appointment this morning went well. No surprises.

They made me pee in a cup, because I guess even if you tell them you've already pee'd on eight tests they have to make you do one more to make sure you're not hallucinating! ;)

We discussed whether I should stay on Metformin. At length. I want to stay on it, but he advised that I stop taking it. I still don't want to stop taking it, even after our discussion, but I don't want to go against his orders either. Regardless, I've only got a weeks worth left and he clearly has no intentions of writing me another script, so I'm done then anyway.

He's calculating me at 6 weeks 3 days, going from LMP. I know that's wrong, but he says that's what's going in my chart until we do a dating ultrasound. First scan is booked for the 30th, but I won't get any info from that until November 16th because he's away for the first two weeks of November. Hopefully they'll tell me *something* at the scan, but I actually quite doubt that.

He brought up the possibility of multiples again, and added specifically to my U/S rec that he wants them to check for multiple embryos, but said that his gut feeling is that there is only one in there. I'll be happy either way, but carrying one would certainly be easier!

I guess that's it... He didn't feel there was any need to move forward with any further bloodwork until after we go over the scan results, so we're basically in limbo for the next month! Eeeek!

In other news, still nauseated all the time, still suffering from nasty heartburn, boobs still hurt, right ovary is still having a fit (Dr. says it's probably a corpus luteum cyst, and it'll clear up on its own soon), still exhausted, still starving all the time (which really doesn't go well with the heartburn), etc. etc. But I feel GREAT because all of this is because I'M PREGNANT!

We have kept completely quiet about our fertility issues with all of the parents from the beginning, to avoid the ritual interrogations we suspected we might be subjected to if they were in on things. R's birthday was a couple of weeks ago, and his dad took him out for lunch that day. His dad started asking him a bunch of questions regarding our family plans, so R decided to spill the beans, and gave him a condensed version of the last 17 months, including our current treatment plans.

Fast forward to later that night, when we had R's parents and my parents over for dinner, and as R's parents were getting ready to leave his mom out of the blue makes a comment about fertility drugs, and how anyone considering taking them should come hang out at her work (daycare) for a few hours (!!!). At this point, I'm still in the dark about the conversation R had with his dad earlier, so all I'm thinking at that point is that it's a damn good thing she doesn't know what's going on!

Well, apparently R's dad had quite the chat with her on the way home about not 'shooting her mouth off about things she doesn't understand', and then he fills her in on everything R told him earlier at lunch. The next day, she calls R to apologize and says she hopes I wasn't too upset by her comment.

At this point, I'm still in the dark, but later that night he told me about the conversation with his dad, and the apology from his mom, and all is well. I was surprised that he didn't discuss it with me before telling his dad, but I wasn't upset because I was already starting to think that maybe we should open up a little more about it with the families.

Fast forward to this weekend... After our positives and after we've decided that we want to wait several weeks before we spill our good news...

Saturday was FIL's birthday, so we were at the in-law's house for dinner. Of course, when MIL was asking what everyone was having to drink with dinner, I chose to have juice. I didn't really think anything of it, but apparently she did! Later when she and R were in the kitchen getting FIL's cake ready, she flat out told him that she thought I must be pregnant because I was drinking juice.

Now, it's quite a leap, because I don't drink wine more often than I do, but at this point she's convinced. Ryan tells her she's jumping to conclusions, but she clearly doesn't buy it.

Now, had that been the last family dinner of the weekend, we would have been fine. However, being that this weekend was Thanksgiving, we also had Turkey dinner the next night at the in-law's, and this time my parents were going to be there as well. We knew my MIL wasn't going to buy it if we continued to deny her suspicions and I again turned down the wine (because, you know, I apparently never turn down wine), so we decided to just spill the beans before everyone figured it out for themselves.

M was excited when we gave her the shirt I bought a few months ago, but it did take her a few minutes to really understand what it meant. She wore it to dinner, but she kept a sweater over it until we all sat down at the table. People were so focused on eating that it wasn't noticed for about 15 minutes. Everyone was very excited once they figured it out, and several toasts were given, one of which was by my dad congratulating R with a "good work son!". If only he knew everything we've gone through - not a conversation I really want to have with my dad though!

Now, since then, R hasn't been able to stop himself from telling everybody, so now most of our friends and family know. I'm going to have to tell my work soon, because we're in a small enough town that now that people know my employer could hear the news second hand if I don't tell them first.

So, yeah, even more terrified now, because now if something goes wrong there will be a lot of people that will have to be told. But I'm trying to stay positive and tell myself that everything will be fine and I'm worrying about nothing.

First prenatal appointment on Friday!

Hoping Dr. Wonderful sends me for a scan ASAP so my fears can be relieved a little!

R found my pee stick collection this morning. He told me I need help. I told him that he's nuts if he thinks I'm the only woman out there who has obsessively pee'd on anything they could find that might confirm their positive. He rolled his eyes and shook his head and headed out the door to work. He was smiling the whole time, so I think deep down he thinks it's more cute than crazy. ;)

I took a picture of my collection, which I was going to post but Blogger seems to be having issues with pictures right now. I'll have to add that later. And work a little harder on that blog change I was talking about... (which, because I know at least a couple of you are wondering, I have done absolutely no work on since the day I posted about it!)

Thank you all so much for your comments over the last few days. It really means so much to me that so many of you have taken the time to leave your thoughts. I feel so loved and supported and blessed that I have you all in my life.

I'm still obsessively dipping sticks... Still can't quite believe that this is real, but the lines are getting darker and appearing faster and now it is starting to sink in a little that this.is.actually.happening!

We've told a couple of very close friends, but haven't decided yet when we're going to tell the families. When we've discussed this in the past, we've always said that we would wait until we were past the first trimester. Now that we're here, we're having trouble picturing keeping the news to ourselves for over two more months. If it weren't for M, we'd probably have spread the news already, but we don't want to tell the families until we tell her, and we don't want to tell her until we've at least seen/heard the heartbeat. At the same time, we don't want to wait until everyone has figured it out on their own - which could happen quickly because my uterus seems eager to rapidly increase in size - so far it's only noticeable to me, but I don't think it'll stay that way for long.

I've been really surprised by how quickly the symptoms have come on. R has been laughing at me, because I've been so happy to have heartburn, nausea, "dog nose", and exhaustion. The only symptom that isn't making me smile is the bb tenderness and size increase. I'm already busting out of my bras, and the texture of the fabric of my favorite bra is driving me batty. Good excuse to go shopping though!

I can't stop smiling. Or vibrating. People probably would think I drank waaaaay too much coffee this morning if I went out in public right now...

So, I'll start with yesterday. I decided to dip a stick in the afternoon on a whim. When I went back to check it a few minutes later, I thought there was something there, but it was faint. Waited til the 10 minute mark and it was still looking like a very faint positive to me, so I dipped another stick. Again, something there, but this one was even less dark than the first one (which wasn't all that dark to begin with!). So, I figured I was seeing things and I should stop torturing myself and wait a few more days before I tested again.

Fast-forward to this morning. When I woke up with a very very strong urge to dip another stick... And the faint line from yesterday had gotten darker. Showed up within three minutes, and definitely definitely there! So, then I grabbed another type of test, dipped it too, and watched as the second line came up on that test too!

Now, I've always wanted to tell R in some sort of cute, memorable, way. But all of that went flying out of my head and I just ran back to our room, jumped on the bed and said "I think we did it!"

Now, I've been in this long enough that I know that a faint positive doesn't mean holding our baby in 10 months, but for now I am without a doubt housing a teeny tiny clump of cells that is potentially due around about June 14th (since the first thing I did after giving R the news was calculate our due date)! Round One of Clomid is officially a success, at least as far as getting pregnant. Now we just need to work on staying pregnant.

Yeah, so that ship has saaaaaaailed.

Thanks for the reminder, stupid unfortunate Future Shop ad that was staring up at me as I was getting the papers ready to go to recycling.

Day 30 progesterone today! At least I'm not walking into this one thinking it's a waste of time!

I received my Infertility's Common Thread Freebie in the mail from dmarie on Friday, and I wanted to share a picture so you can all see how lovely these little bracelets are!


I love it love it love it! If you haven't already requested one, head over before they're all gone. And even if they are all gone, order one anyway because they're only $5 and the money will be going to an IF organization!

I almost had to order a second one, because I was so eager to get into the package of Quick Grits that dmarie so generously sent me after I lamented that we can't get Quick Grits in Canada, that I almost cut right through the envelope wrapped around the container that had my bracelet in it! Clued in at the last second before I went too hog wild with the scissors, and all was saved!

In other news, check out this morning's temp jump! Hell yeah baby! That's more like it!

Alright, I promised an appointment update, and I'm not going to bed until I get this posted, so I'm going to make it short!

Day 21 progesterone didn't show ovulation. Shocking, I know. ;) I actually laughed out loud when he said that, because he delivered it like it was going to be disappointing news for me and of course I already knew how it was going to come back.

He was very unconcerned that I still hadn't O'd and it was day 24. We discussed last cycle, and I told him I O'd between CD27 and CD30, and he said that as far as he was concerned that is a perfectly fine range. I've read some stuff about long cycles and over-mature eggs, but nothing really 'official', so I'm going to trust him on that one.

I left the requisition for the next progesterone draw in my car, but I think he wants it on CD 31...

I'm 99% sure I'm going to O any day now, but I've thought that before and been wrong so we'll have to see. We're on doctors orders to get busy every other day until CD31, and both R and I are happy to follow orders. ;)

Honestly, I don't think the Clomid did a thing this cycle, and while he didn't come out and say it I think he agreed with me. So, we'll see how this next progesterone draw goes and then move forward from there. I got the impression that he wants to try another 50mg cycle before we move up, but if I haven't O'd by CD31 that might change.

I'm getting to the point that while I still really really really like my doctor, I wish we lived closer to an actual fertility clinic. Closest one is four hours away, so seeing them is out of the question unless we need to move on to IUI/IVF. I don't know what we'll do if it gets to that point... but I guess we'll figure that out if/when we get there!

Alright, so not so short after all! Hope I didn't bore you all to tears!

Oh, and the George Canyon concert was *AWESOME*! I've been meaning to write about that too, but that'll have to be another day because this girl is very sleepy!

Edited to add: So, I checked the requisition, and he's got it marked CD30/September 27th. That puts me 5DPO for the test if I did in fact O yesterday. That should be okay right? The numbers won't be great, but O can still be detected at 5DPO right?

In a 'don't want to work on my Consumer Behaviour assignment' procrastination spree, I moved my blog over to WordPress. It's closed right now, while I tweak everything, but I will be moving over there officially in the next little while. I don't know that it's 'better' than Blogger, but it's something new (to me) to play with and has a couple of great features I think will come in handy.

Okay... really need to get back to that assignment!

Back later tonight to fill you in on yesterday's appointment!

Demoted from 'Two Week Waiter' to 'Waiting to O'er'

In other news... because I sorely need the distraction...

This girl? She's going to see George Canyon tonight. Now, if you don't listen to Country music, or hail from Nova Scotia, you probably have no idea who GC is. He was the runner up in the second season of Nashville Star (the American Idol of Country music), and has gone on to release a couple of amazing albums (he has three total - one from before the show - Edit: I forgot about the Christmas album - so four total) and win quite a few awards for his music. Amazing amazing performer.

GC also has a special place in my heart for writing and recording a beautiful song called "My Name". Here's what he says about the song on his web site:

A close friend and his wife had a miscarriage, and I witnessed the pain they went through losing a baby. I wanted to write a song to help people cope with that trauma and somehow bring a positive light to the subject

Do not, I repeat DO NOT listen to this song if you're in a fragile emotional state. I can't listen to it without bawling on the best of days.

So yeah, I'm going to see him tonight. And I! Am! So! Excited!

So, the first thought that ran through my mind this morning when I looked at my thermometer was just one word, but with so much meaning:

Fuck.

With a second low temp, I figured there was no way I was getting my cross hairs back this morning, and of course most importantly it meant that the O I thought *might* have happened on CD16 (which I was given cross hairs for after my CD19 temp was entered but then taken away after that low temp on CD20), never actually happened.

Cue completely pointless CD21 progesterone test (headed off to that in a bit).

Cue whining to R about how my body can't get it's act together. Cue additional whining about likely having to do double Clomid next cycle, followed by whining from R about having to deal with double the Clomid Crazies next time. He said this in jest, but it still almost warranted throwing something at the dear man's head. ;)

So then I enter today's temp. And get cross hairs. And I don't understand why. I've stared at it for some time, and I just don't get it. Two temps below cover line in the first 5 days, plus EWCM after the marked O date... it just doesn't add up. They should be dotted, at the very least. But no, there they are. Normal, solid, definite cross hairs.

Anyone have any ideas? (Click on the ticker above to go directly to my chart.)

Apparently, obsession brings out the social butterfly in me. ;)

Edited to add: Thanks for all the input girls. I think what's freaking me out the most is how much this cycle already looks like the very first cycle I charted last September. If you click through to my chart now, I've got last September's chart right below the current one, so you can see what I mean.

Last September - newly charting and utterly convinced that charting was the answer to all of our 'Can't Get Knocked Up' woes, I had a temp jump on CD18-20 very similar to the jump on CD16-18 of this cycle. I was soooo excited! I! Got! Cross! Hairs! Yay!

Of course, immediately following that my temp dropped, FF took away my cross hairs, and that cycle become the second longest of the past year at 74 days.

Now, I know that this cycle so much is different (on Metformin for 2 months now, doing Clomid for the first time) and the chances of that particularly piece of my history repeating itself are very very very slim. But looking at those charts side by side? Eek!

*sigh* Maybe time to check with the doc about a Valium prescription... ;)

The problem with (possibly) being in the two week wait in the first cycle in a while where we actually have a real chance of this working...

I'm only (maybe) 5DPO and I am *DYING* to POAS!!!

Edited to add: Also... Have an insane desire to surf eBay for maternity clothes. Somebody knock some sense into me QUICK! I should soooooo know better than this!

My apologies to anyone who may have been checking in on me and finding day after day of no new posts. I can't believe it's been 10 days!

I'm just... blah. Totally blah. I've been completely anti-social, both online and in real life. I hope this ends soon, because people IRL have been noticing and questioning and I don't feel like talking all that much right now.

CD 21 progesterone tomorrow. If I'd blogged about it yesterday, I would have been full of hope. But after this morning's temp drop... I'm hoping it's just because I woke up earlier than usual today. I find myself wanting to hope, but being afraid to hope too much. A CD16 O would just be so amazing!

I just read this quote on a friend's Facebook:

"Happiness does not depend on what happens outside of you, but what happens inside of you." -Harold B. Lee

Now, I know the context of this quote (religious), because the friend in question is Mormon (I used to be too, way way way back in the day) and Harold B. Lee was a president of the Church back in the early '70's. And it certainly has nothing to do with infertility. But the first thing I thought when I read it was 'Ain't that the truth!'. In more ways than one!

One of my most favorite people in the entire IF blogosphere has just suffered a devastating loss, so please head on over to SaraS-P's blog if you haven't already and give her some love.

Sooooooo behind on these nomination thingies...


My third nomination is lisalou @ Here's Hoping

Her posts are so honest, and her optimism at every new cycle inspiring. This is one of a few blogs that I click on *immediately* if I see an update in my blog reader, because her posts are a great read. Plus, I love looking at pictures of her puppies!

Home sick with the flu today, so I'm going to be hiding in bed watching cheesy daytime tele. Hope everyone is having an okay week!

Probably WAY too much information...

So, I'm changing my tampon when I get home from work...

It's a little more of a challenge than usual, because my entire back went into spasm this afternoon and... well, I'm sure you can picture the difficulty, what with the inability to curve my back and all...

So, I get the applicator in place, with difficulty and pain, and hit the go button.

Unfortunately, I apparently didn't do such a hot job of lining things up, and thus stabbed myself in the cervix (!) with the Super Size (!) Tampax.

Ouch.

I think I deserve a Martini to go along with the Robaxacet. ;)

AF showed up tonight, which seems to confirm my suspicion that I ovulated earlier than my chart showed. Either that or something has gone terribly wrong with my LP this cycle, but I'd rather not think about that... Regardless, I'm glad she's showed because it means the searing pain in my bbs will be subsiding soon. Phew!

Since AF didn't show til late(ish) tonight, I'll be counting tomorrow as CD1. Which gives me until Friday night to decide if I'm going to start Clomid this cycle. I'm weighing three options - 1) Do nothing different, and see if I O earlier next cycle with just Met. 2) Take Vitex again in addition to the Met and see if that helps. 3) Start Clomid and see how that goes...

I don't know why it's such a tough decision. I guess I'm worried about side effects but I'm also keeping an open mind to the fact that everyone responds differently to it. The increased risk of multiples is a concern, but it's not so much of an increase that I'm really worried. I just don't know... I asked R his opinion the other day, and he told me he was comfortable with whatever I thought was best. His confidence in my decision is comforting, but it doesn't help me to actually make the call.

Too much on my mind right now!

Edited: Just wanted to clarify that the three options are mutually exclusive - even before the first time I took Vitex I researched it and the warnings on mixing it with Clomid are everywhere. Just thought I should clarify that since a couple of you mentioned it. :)

My second nomination for the Rockin' Girl Blogger awards is Karen of My Perky Ovaries. She's now gestated triplets for 30 weeks (30 weeks! Yay!) and and faithfully updated for all of us out in blog-land that are following her pregnancy, even when she's not feeling her best. She's had plenty of challenges with this pregnancy but has handled them all with grace and infectious optimism.

Found out this morning that one of R's little brothers 'knocked up' (my SMIL's words, not mine) his girlfriend, and they are due in April. And it might be twins...

I've spent most of the day hiding in bed trying not to think about it. I've cried. A lot. R has spent a lot of time consoling me and trying to tell me that everything will be alright.

Another 'oops' announcement. And on our anniversary. When we first started trying, I was so optimistic as to think I was going to be able to deliver a pregnancy announcement this time last year. Now the day has come around again and we're still not there. So many other people in our life are, and most of them by accident.

I think I could handle the waiting, in isolation. But all of these surprises are killing me.

I have a sneaking suspicion I'm not going to know what day I *really* ovulated until AF shows. When I entered my temp this morning, FF moved O from CD 30 to CD 33. If tomorrow's temp is similar, it will stay there. If tomorrow's temp is lower, it will move O back to CD 31.

So for a recap:

First, I thought I O'd on CD 26 based on symptoms.
Then FF gave me CD 30.
Today, FF moved O to CD 33.
Tomorrow, it could end up at CD 31.

None of these days are *any* good for intercourse timing, so this cycle is probably a total write off.

Luckily, I have a very consistent 13 day LP, so when AF shows I think I can adjust my O date accordingly (for statistical sake).

Yeesh!

Both shocked and honoured.... to have been nominated for a Rockin' Girl Blogger award by M at Quest for a baby! M, your kind words gave me a warm fuzzy feeling, and really perked up what has been an overall very trying week!

I'm going to do my nominees one at a time, to give the girls the real spotlight they deserve (okay, so it may be partly because it is really really late right now and I have to work in the morning... More to come before the weekend is over, I promise!)

Firstly, dmarie @ Bella Vida - Not only is her blog a great read (which I'm so glad I found!), but she offered to send me quick grits from down south when I complained that Quaker doesn't distribute them here! (Which I am going to take you up on, by the way - we should make it an exchange, if you can think of something from up here that you'd like to try!)

TGIF ladies!

Back to cursing the H word...

O still isn't confirmed by temps - have had two 'elevated' temps now, which puts O at CD30 as long as my temp tomorrow is up as well. However... have not had any more fertile CM since CD26... And also haven't done the deed since then, due to my sciatic issues and the plague that R came down with last week (which, side note, I seem to be coming down with now... Yay!)...

I know I should just give up on charting, but I really can't see it happening. When the signs are clearer (which, really, isn't all that often...) it is a really nice tool to at least give me a vague idea of what is going on. If I didn't temp, I'd still probably have a good idea of when I O, but I wouldn't be able to confirm it, kwim?

Still! Even if I didn't O til CD30, that's still fantastic considering my usual record! The only cycle in recent history I've O'd that early is the Vitex cycle I did earlier this year - when I O'd CD33.

Anyway... If you like reading charts, have a click-through to mine and tell me what you think. Could I have O'd on CD26 and just be having a *really* slow rise for those first few days?

The thing I have to keep reminding myself is that I can't compare this cycle to any of my previous ones - because on Metformin, I'm really rewriting the book on what a 'normal' cycle is for me, and that includes pre and post O symptoms and the like. But it sure is tough to remember that all the time!

Excerpt from an IM conversation about infertility this afternoon with a girl I used to baby sit who is expecting her first:

well i would say not to stress and just let it happen and if it is meant to be then it will happen

This, from a girl I expected to understand because her mother went through hell to have her and her sister (10 years and 7 miscarriages between them).

So, I bit the bullet and gave her more information than she needed to know, in the hopes that maybe she'll avoid saying that to someone else in the future.

I've got PCOS. It ain't gonna 'just happen' for us!

*sigh*

In other news, I was laid up in bed today with an irritated sciatic nerve, and I had a wonderful conversation with a great friend which took my mind off the pain and boosted my mood and optimism. Thanks again Milissa - I just wish we could get to have chats like that more often!

I think I may have O'd yesterday. Unfortunately, I slept in this morning and completely missed temping, so I can't confirm til tomorrow. My poor bbs are doing the post-O pain thing, and my CM (and ear wax!) has completely disappeared. If I'm right, and I O'd on CD26, that is FREAKING AWESOME! Still, you know, not perfect. But a hell of a lot better than normal!

If I'm right, that puts AF starting on or about the 28th, and I'd be starting Clomid the 31st/1st of September! That's a whole lot better than the October/November scenario I had played out in my head. Thank you Metformin!!!

Of course, that's assuming that this cycle didn't work, and if I did in fact O yesterday, we did have good timing... so... I don't want to say the 'H' word... but...

LJ needs our help! It's down to the wire, and if she doesn't get a whole lot of votes a whole lot of quickly, she's going to lose the Second Annual "My Bad Boss" contest.

Her story is a good one, so go here to read and vote!

Really weird question...

Does anyone else notice an increase in ear wax production leading up to O?

Borrowing a theme from several other bloggers, this post is about the keywords that have brought people to my blog through Google, and how I can or cannot help them with their queries:

One visitor was looking to find out how they could tell if their tamagotchi is overweight. I imagine Google sent them here because of this post, where I talk about how my tamagotchi is better at getting pregnant than I am, and this post, where I talk about my doctor saying commenting that I'm 'not overweight to begin with' (ha ha ha!). While my blog couldn't answer their question at the time, just in case any more searchers show up looking for the same info, if your tamagotchi is over 60lbs, it is overweight. Ideally, you should keep it under 30 unless it is an adult. Being overweight can prevent your tama from growing into a desirable character, and also from getting a job. You can find the weight by pushing the A button until the (health) meter is selected, and then pushing B until the weight is displayed.

Two people were asking the question "what if prometrium doesn't work?". First of all, I'm sorry. I've been there, and it sucks the first time it happens and you don't know why! Second of all, my doctor told me that for some reason, sometimes progesterone treatment resets hormones to the CD1 levels, and then you have to wait through a full cycle anyway. He also said that some people are more prone to this anomaly than others, so I'll probably never take Prometrium again just in case.

Three people searched "two pink lines". In case they were looking for the song l.yrics, here is a good link: Two Pink Lines - Eric Church NOTE: If you are currently going through infertility, I do NOT recommend you read those lyrics, because the people in the song are hoping that they *don't* see two pink lines. The ten people who searched 'waiting on two pink lines', I'd like to think they were actually looking for me for some reason, but they were probably going after the lyrics as well. There were many other variations on the 'two pink lines' theme, most of which relate to particular brands of pregnancy tests, and I've got absolutely zero experience with actually seeing two pink lines (when I got my BFPs with my m/c and with M, I used blue dye tests), so I'm no help there.

Two people were searching 'ovulation CD11'. I'm sorry, but I've got absolutely nothing here for you! My earliest O in the last year was CD33. Hopefully someday soon I'll have at least a close idea of what O that early feels like!

One person was searching 'PCOS doctors Vancouver Island'. I'm not going to give out my doctors name here, because that would really narrow down my location, but if anyone wants to talk about this off-blog, e-mail me at wotpl@shaw.ca, and we can at least narrow down if we're in the same area.

One person was searching 'foods with metformin'. I've really been meaning to do a post about my experiences with Metformin, and what foods are good and which are really really really bad. So keep your eyes open, I'm going to try to get that up in the next week.

To the person who 'took Advil before I knew I was pregnant': Try not to worry about it. Ibuprofen is strongly contraindicated in the third trimester, and somewhat so while trying to conceive, but use in early pregnancy seems to be generally considered safe.

And now... I'm going to bed, because seriously? What the hell am I doing blogging at 3:40 in the morning when I've got the new king size bed all to myself because the dear hubby is out of town???

My blog is sooooo lame lately. ;)

All day, I keep thinking that I'm having O pains on the left side, but I keep talking myself out of getting my hopes up. For one, I'm relatively sure that I haven't O'd on that side in about a year - every time O has been confirmed, the pain has been on the right. For two... It's only CD22, and unless Met really is a frickin' miracle drug for me, this is waaaaaaay too early. Not to mention that I have absolutely zero other pre-O symptoms. But every time I feel that familiar stabbing pain... it sure does make a girl hopeful!

In other news, I let my FF VIP expire yesterday. I was hardly ever posting on the circles anyway (although I was keeping up with reading in my BG's as best I could), and the VIP charting features? Pretty useless when you've been at this so long that you could probably confirm O even without charting. Same old shit, different (three to four) month(s).

When I went to put my temp in this morning, I clicked on the community tab out of habit, and then got a sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach when it said that my membership was expired and I had to renew to log in to the circles. I'm a little sad that I'm going to miss the rest of the journey of some of the women I've been posting with. I made sure to point out my blog address in my signature before I left, so hopefully some of them will come find me out here. And if you are one of my BG friends and you've followed my link to here, please comment and make sure you come back if you have news to share!!!

Just as I suspected, although I have shifted a little to the right on the T/F continuum since the last time I took this.

Oh, and I'm an Accountant, which fits right in with this personality profile. Surprise surprise!

This is what happens when I have nothing to blog about and a paper that I am avoiding working on...

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Edited: I have to add that it's a damn good thing I can pass eighth grade math, given that I make my living working with numbers.

Fun little quiz I picked up from Christina. I too was surprised by how eerily accurate this one is.

You're the United Nations!

Most people think you're ineffective, but you are trying to completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long way to go. You're always the one trying to get friends to talk to each other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of beating each other about the head and torso. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, and you get very schizophrenic as a result. But your heart is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.


Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

Nothing new to report, really. Moved up to 1700mg of Met with no adverse effects. Weight loss has stabilized. Discovered that even missing one dose can bring back the out-of-whack-blood-sugar-mood-swings. Oops. That's about all.

What I really came here to tell you is...

SmarshyBoy is back! I was so excited when I saw the new posts in my reader that I nearly squealed!

So go quick and catch up, cause this here? Is a very boring blog this week. ;)

Check out my ticker waaaaaaay at the bottom. I'll wait for you to get back.

Awesome, eh? And it's even better than that, because I was actually up 3 from my original starting point before I started the Metformin.

I'm the amazing shrinking woman! No doubt in my mind whatsoever anymore that Met is the right way to go for me. Clearly, my body needs it.

Now to figure out how to work a new wardrobe into the budget... ;)

HSG report!

As I was walking in to the hospital, I gave myself a paper-cut with my requisition form. Ah crud, I thought, that might be a bad sign.

Got checked in, got my gown on (and the last housecoat! Woo Hoo!), and got settled in to wait.

The tech assisting Dr. Wonderful came to get me, and it turned out that I know her. She was the tech that gave me my first ultrasound when I was pregnant with M, and she has a son M's age that goes to M's school. So, we chatted for a bit while she got everything set up. She threw me off guard when she said "so you're going to have another?", but then I clued in that the procedure I was there for and the 'second degree infertility' notation on the requisition would have tipped her off. Silly me!

She asked me when my last period started, and just as I was answering her, Dr. W walked in. He smiled and commented that I had been correct in my estimate, and that I obviously knew my body really well. I laughed and said "more than I ever thought I would", to which he responded "And probably more than you ever wanted to!". We had a chuckle over that, and then it was down to business.

He was having trouble getting my cervix into view, and he asked me if my pap smears were usually difficult. I said no, but that my cervix was probably being uncooperative because it knew what was coming!

There was definitely some pain and cramping - thank goodness I took Advil beforehand, because I just cannot imagine how bad it would have been without. They took the x-rays, and then after the radiologist had left they brought them up on the screen so that I could take a look. My uterus is perfectly normal, and both tubes spilled dye beautifully. I was surprised by the difference in configuration of my tubes. The left one was really long and straight and the dye was spilling out over towards my hip bone. The right was really curvy and convoluted and the dye was spilling out right next to my uterus. Dr. W didn't seem to think that was a problem.

As he was cleaning up, he asked me if he had already told me that fertility is increased in the three months following the procedure, and I said yes. Then I smiled and asked him if I had told him that it took me over three months to ovulate last cycle. He laughed, because of course I had told him that and he knew I was just being cheeky. Then he said "you never know", and said he'd see me at my next appointment (as yet unscheduled - I'm supposed to go see him again once AF shows again).

I got cleaned up and got the hell out of there, because at this point all I wanted to do was get home and lie down on the couch. I wasn't in tons of pain, but it was enough that I was really glad I took the afternoon off work.

All in all, a good day, and thankfully the paper-cut was just me being uncoordinated, and not an omen of things to come.

Thank you all for your good thoughts today! I really appreciate them!

HSG in 5 1/2 hours. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Excited because if it is clear, that's another great step forward. Nervous because I've heard it's going to hurt like hell. And nervous that there will be a problem...

Wish me luck!

CD2 today! That means HSG is definitely a go for Wednesday!

Unfortunately, I woke up with a migraine. Which means I'm going to miss a good friend's bridal shower/stagette tonight. I'm super bummed about that.

Going back to bed to try to sleep off this monster.

I understand now how Metformin helps you lose weight. It makes you so nauseated that you have to force food down your throat in order to thwart malnutrition. It's all coming together now...

Someone please tell me that this is only temporary.

In the past two days, I've consumed two containers of yogurt, one bowl of vegetable soup, 2 eggs, a serving of fried mushrooms (which actually made me feel soooo much better for a little while), and the filling out of a seafood medley wrap. The only thing I can drink without feeling like I'm going to vomit is milk.

And this is only on 500mg a day! I hope my body adapts soon, because I'm getting a headache from the lack of nutrition!

**Edited to respond to a comment:

Actually, saras-p, I have been super super super lucky in that regard. So far, it's just the nausea and a little bit of gas. Which I guess I should count as a blessing!

Thanks for the comments everyone! I'm still nauseated, but with hope that it will end soon!

My doctor's office is right on the waterfront, which is one of my favorite places in the town that I grew up in. I live in the next city over now, and I don't go back nearly as often as I'd like to. I got to my doctor's office half an hour early (completely over-estimated how bad traffic might be), which gave me an opportunity to take a leisurely stroll along the beach. Unfortunately, I didn't take my camera, but I did grab a screen capture off of the web cam from the restaurant next door to the clinic. It doesn't do it complete justice, but you can get the idea.


The walk was a great chance to wind down and relax before my appointment. I wandered down there for a few minutes, but I burn easily and I wasn't wearing sunscreen, so I decided to head up to the street and do some window shopping. I found M a great skirt to wear to a wedding we're going to in a couple of weeks, and as I was heading to the register I saw a lone "I'm a Big Sister" shirt hanging on a rack near the register. I looked at the tag, and it's M's size, so I decided to grab it. I'm having some buyer's remorse, because it almost seems like I'm inviting bad karma by buying it now, but hopefully she'll need it before she outgrows it.

They took me right in to an exam room when I got to the office. I did have to wait a bit because the two patients before me both went over, but I enjoyed the time reading all of the jokes in an old issue of Reader's Digest.

I've been struggling over what to call my doctor here, but after today I think I'll call him Dr. Wonderful. It was a great appointment, and I left feeling like we're a team in this. He listened to my ideas, explained things in great detail when I had questions, and was so optimistic that it wore right off on me.

We discussed why the Prometrium didn't work. Everything I had read online said that if it doesn't cause a withdrawal bleed, that is a sign of insufficient uterine lining. Since that has never been a problem for me, I was very confused. He explained that for some people, Prometrium seems to reset their hormones back to the beginning of a cycle without the bleed, which explains why this cycle went on for another 36 days past the Prometrium before *anything* happened.

He agrees that I have O'd, just based on my symptoms, and had the nurse book me in for an HSG next Wednesday (he's already got one that day, so it's easiest) assuming that I'll start bleeding Friday or Saturday. He said doing the HSG if I'm bleeding isn't a problem, and that even if I don't get AF until Monday or Tuesday he still wants to go ahead. Based on my usual LP, I don't think it'll be a problem.

Then we discussed what we're going to do after the HSG. He wanted me to started on BCP's after the HSG, to ensure a shorter cycle so that we can move on to Clomid right away. However, as soon as I told him that I have migraines with neurological side effects (numbing, visual disturbances, slurred speech) that are made worse and more frequent by BCP's, he said there was no way he wanted to put me through that.

At that point, he said that as unfortunate as it was, we might just have to wait for the HSG cycle to end on it's own, since Prometrium probably won't work for me. At that point, I asked if starting Metformin now would be a good idea, since it could shorten my cycles, and we could be waiting a few months for a new cycle anyway. He agreed, so that's the plan.

HSG on the 25th, Met starting tonight at 500mg, increasing to 500mg twice a day in one week, and then up to 850mg twice a day the week after that. As soon as a new cycle starts, we'll add Clomid at 50mg for 5 days, and see how I respond to that. He said as long as I tolerate the Met well, he'll keep me on that throughout treatment.

I had a good chuckle when we talked about Met side effects, because when he mentioned weight loss, he added that he would want to monitor my weight carefully since I'm "not overweight to begin with", and he wouldn't want me to lose "too much". I must hide it well, because I'm actually clinically overweight by 10 pounds, and over my "ideal" weight (based on BMI) by 30 pounds. I could lose 40 pounds comfortably. I highly doubt the Met would make me lose *that* much, so I think I'll be fine.

While I was waiting for my prescription, I wandered around Superstore (which I normally avoid, but you can't beat the prescription prices) for a while. Picked up a new shirt in a(n) (optimistic) size small (it fits, but will fit better if I lose a couple of pounds), the two HP movies that we don't already own (Philosopher's Stone and Goblet of Fire), and some new eyeliner. And then I went home and told R to take my bank card away, because I was on a spending spree (I also bought new cordless phones on Saturday) and needed to be stopped. At least until I put the claim in to my extended medical to get back what I paid for the Met. ;)

Hey there Ovaries!

Nice to see you finally returned to work! Must be mighty nice to take a three month vacation without putting in any notice. Well, I guess technically I should have expected this, being that you've been on holidays more than you've been at work this year. Anyway, enough of that, I'm just glad you've returned, and this cycle is nearing an end. Terribly nice of you to come back after I'd already made an appointment with my doctor to discuss a temp replacement for you though. Maybe next time just send me a postcard and let me know when your flight gets in, so I don't jump the gun again.

Yours Truly,

Happy to be in the TWW!

So yes, it looks like I finally really did actually O. I wasn't convinced, but 7 days of higher temps did change my mind eventually. Especially when I overlayed my charts at ovulation, and these are normal post-O temps for me. It had been so long I'd forgotten. ;)

So, appointment with doc on Monday is pretty pointless, but I'm going to go anyway. I wanted to talk to him about starting Metformin *before* we do the HSG, just to get things trucking along. I'm not going to tell him that I've been charting again (he didn't exactly put down charting, but he gave me the impression that he thinks it's pointless once you've diagnosed SIF and are starting to pull out the big guns) - I'll just tell him that I think I've O'd and that if I don't start a new cycle within a week of the appointment, that we'll need to do something else.

Anyway! Off to work! 7.5 more hours till the weekend!

Triple digits! Woo Hoo!

Oh wait. That's not a good accomplishment when we're talking about cycles. Damn.

6 day countdown to appointment with my specialist!

I just have to share a post I just finished reading over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters, called The Stirrup Queen's Sliding Scale of Happiness (Thanks to Zee for linking it in her Bloggiversary post today!). It's from last August, so if you're like me and have only been part of the IF blogging world for a few months, or if you just haven't read that particular post, definitely get your tush over there and have a read!

Make sure you read the comments too. My favorite, by C from This Sorta Fairytale reads:

The best way I've discovered to explain the sliding scale and my reaction to many pregnancy announcements is that while I *am* happy for the parents-to-be, grief about my own infertility is a much stronger emotion.

Very well said!

On a slightly funnier note, I actually burst into tears one night when my Tamagotchi met the Match Maker and had a baby (If you haven't heard of them, they're little handheld virtual 'pets' from Japan). I think R thought I had officially lost it at that point, when I walked into the kitchen with the toy in hand and tears streaming down my face and said "See! Even my Tamagotchi can get pregnant! How come I can't?". I'm amazed and thankful that he didn't burst out laughing, as I did a couple of days later thinking back on it.

Oh, and as I mentioned above, it's Zee's Bloggiversary today, so make sure you head on over there and give her some Bloggiversary lovin'!

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone that has added me to their blogroll. I get a little lump in my throat and a nice warm cozy feeling knowing that not only are there people that read my blog, but like it enough to share it with others. It's really nice to know that we're not alone in this. I love you guys!

Some of you may have noticed that I did an override on my chart and put in an ovulation day 2 days ago. Now, when I first started charting, I was totally against the override function, because I figured that FF probably knew better than I did what the heck was going on in my body. Since then, I've learned a lot, and feel like I'm pretty in tune with what's happening at various times throughout my nightma... I mean, cycles.

So that is why, when two nights ago my nipples started to burn and throb and become so sensitive that the mere presence of fabric over top of them was excrutiating (seriously, it was so bad that when I was lying in bed naked trying to avoid letting anything touch them, the breeze from the fan was painful), I could only assume that I had O'd. The *only* time they have hurt like that since I started charting was immediately after ovulation.

Combine that with the fact that I'd had a killer migraine on Tuesday - another good sign, and that my face is currently so oily you could fry an egg on me if I laid out in the sun, and it seemed set in stone!

So, I happily entered O on my chart, and began to envision this cycle finally being over! Yay! Forgot to take my temp yesterday morning, but didn't really care, because I *knew* that I had O'd! My body was telling me so! I went off to work, confident in the knowledge that there was no longer a need to call my OBGYN. AF was on her way soon!

This morning, I woke up, stuck my BBT in my mouth, and waited for the numbers to confirm what I already knew. And there it was, a beautiful 36.28C (97.3F). Wait, WTF? That's certainly no post-O temp!

So, I trudged over to the computer, took out my override, and I'm going to call the doc's office as soon as I get to work. Damn damn damn!!!

kirby at What to expect when you're not expecting started a new haiku meme, and even though she didn't tag me, I couldn't resist!

"Here's the deal. You write a haiku to describe your IF/latest cycle/you name it. It can be deep and emotional, or snarky and bitchy, or just downright funny.

A haiku is a 17 syllable poem in three lines: the first and third lines have five syllables each, the second line has seven."

Here's mine:

Hey there Ovaries!
Having a nice vacation?
Please write home soon, k?

I was absolutely *dreading* the Canada Day celebrations today, because I *swear* every year it seems like they must bring bus loads of pregnant women into town just for the soul purpose of walking around the park. I know that's completely crazy, but it crosses my mind every year!

I first noticed this phenomenon several years ago, before we had decided to try, but after I got the baby bug in a bad way. At that time, seeing all the pregnant bellies was a reminder of what we weren't quite ready to do. Now, it's a reminder of what we're unable to do.

However, I am pleased to report that the bus must have gotten a flat on the way to the park, because I saw many less large bellies than usual.

All in all, it was a wonderful day, and even though we aren't realizing our current dream, we are incredibly blessed to have M. She certainly takes the sting out of days like today.

It was absolutely amazing. I pee'd on a stick, watched both lines turn pink, jumped around screaming like an idiot for a few minutes, called the hubby and told him the exciting news...

And then I woke up.

Pee'd on a real stick, just in case this was some sort of "sign", but of course it was another BFN.

Cautiously optimistic that I may have actually O'd. My chart is useless at the moment, because I've been so slack about temping lately. I start to lose interest when I'm nearing the three month mark in one cycle. ;) Temp was higher than normal today, the boobs are achy, and I'm breaking out like a teenager. Oh... and I've got a migraine, which I'm starting to notice a pattern of getting one right around O. It's tough to correlate, since I get migraines all throughout my cycle, but I'm going with it for now.

I'd love it if I could confirm O, because it would save me from at least one visit with the doc. If I didn't O, and this cycle keeps going, I'm going to have to go back for another round of Prometrium, which doesn't sound like good times. I wish I knew why it didn't work last time, but after a bit of googling, I'm going to pretend that I don't care, because I really don't need any MORE issues at this point.

Hope everyone is doing at least moderately well out in bloggity blog land.

kirby over at What to expect when you're not expecting posted this little gem about an ironic blog content rater.

My rating?



While kirby's rating was ironic for a completely different reason, I'm finding it ironic that a blog about trying to get knocked up gets a G rating. Maybe that's why I don't have many readers... Maybe I need to spice this thing up a bit more. ;)

It's funny what waiting for AF will make you do. Even though I *know* I'm not pregnant. Even though I know without a doubt that I haven't ovulated this cycle. Even though... I still pee'd on a stick. BFN, of course.

CD79 today and still nothing going on. I've got to call my doctor, but I've been off work sick for several days now, and I need to get back to work and catch up on missed days before I take any more time off for appointments.

I think I'm going to have to wait to ovulate or for my body to do a withdrawal bleed on its own.

Blech! Just when I thought we were going to start making some great progress, my body puts the brakes on. Full stop. *sigh*

CD67? You've got to be f&*%'ing kidding me!

A full week past my last dose of Prometrium, and no sign of anything happening.

Seriously?!?! WTH!?!?

Stupid non-co-operative ovaries and now non-co-operative uterus!

*sigh*

I know this post is mostly pointless - I just needed to vent.

Waiting on CD1...

4 days past Prometrium. No sign of AF. The specialist said that I should get AF within 2 days of finishing the meds, unless I O'd. Right now, there's no sign of either. Which is really frustrating because I spotted like mad the last 3 days before my last dose, and now nothing. I just want her to show so that I can schedule my HSG and get on with things!

*sigh*

I Am

Coffeegrl tagged me for the I Am meme, and I've been having a hard time getting down to write it because I've been in a wierd sort of funk lately. I think it's just the stress of work and school, and the fog is starting to lift so it's time to get down to this task before you all get the idea that I'm a horrible person to tag!

I am... an emotional girl.

I am... a TV addict. I'm not inclined to count right now, but I would imagine I have about 15 series recordings set up on our PVR.

I am... a pescatarian. No, that's not some wierd religion you've never heard of. It means that the only animal flesh I consume is seafood.

I am... prone to playing devil's advocate, and can argue any side into the ground if I'm so inclined, whether I believe in it or not. I just love arguing for the sake of arguing. This makes Philosophy classes super fun!

I am... a very lucky wife. I couldn't ask for a better husband. He's my best friend, my biggest supporter and advocate, and super sexy to boot.

I am... not very good about thinking of things that I am.

I am... a numbers person. This makes accounting a perfect profession for me.

I am... one of those wierd wierd people who gets excited about preparing tax returns!

I am... Scottish to the core. Sadly, I've never been there, but when I think about traveling the world, that's the first country I plan to visit.

I can't think of anyone to tag, since just about everyone in the blogosphere has done this already, except for friend and frequent commenter Milissa, who could maybe use this as a first post on her blog? Hint hint! ;)

Well, my hope that last month's relatively short cycle was part of a trend is clearly dashed.

I'm not even sure what day I'm on now, but it's somewhere close to 50, and no sign of O. I'll be starting the prometrium tomorrow, which hopefully means an end to this cycle somewhere around the beginning of June. So, another cycle in the area of 60 days, which probably would have been even longer if I wasn't going to be inducing a new cycle.

I have to say that while this cycle is still just as much of a downer as all the rest, the prospect of next cycle bringing answers and treatment is so uplifting.

Quick update, because I'm going for a run tonight and have some homework to finish before I can leave for that!

Appointment went very well. R and I both love the new doctor. Looks like he's going to be very proactive, which is fabulous. He thinks we're for sure looking at PCOS, but he wants to make sure we've "dotted our i's and crossed our t's" (his words) before we start treating that. So, the plan is to start prometrium this week, do an HSG between CD6 and CD10 of next cycle, and then meet again to decide if we're going to try metformin first, or go straight to clomid. He seems to be leaning towards the clomid, but he said I didn't need to worry about making a decision until after the results of the HSG are in. He said he'll probably want to do another round of prometrium a couple of weeks after the HSG, and then more blood work before we start any medications, although the blood work and meds could be done in the same cycle depending on how the blood work comes back.

I have this overwhelming sense of relief, simply because I didn't know what to expect, and I'm so glad that it went well. I cried this morning before my appointment, and then spent all afternoon with a silly grin on my face.

I'm going to hold off on starting the prometrium until this weekend, for two reasons. First is that I had a massive temp drop this morning and I've been having what might be O pains on my left side, so I want to temp for a couple more days to see if I am O'ing on my own, and then I can avoid taking the prometrium (this cycle) altogether. Second, I leave for Montreal on the 26th, and if I started the prometrium right away I could end up starting next cycle on my trip, which doesn't sound like a great idea to me. If I wait a few days, I can time it so that I finish the prometrium on the day I fly back.

Anyway! This "short post" turned into a long-ass ramble!

Moving forward!

CD 40. Nothing going on. *Le sigh*

Several ladies (I'll link later - gotta get this down and get my butt out the door to work) have written stern letters to their ovaries calling them out for their insolent behavior, and I figured, what the heck - may as well give it a shot!

Alright ovaries. Listen up. I know I've whined a couple of times lately when my chart has suggested that you were actually getting your lazy asses out of bed each morning and doing your freakin' job. In doing so, I certainly didn't mean to suggest that I didn't *want* you to work, I just didn't want to be told that you were working when you were in fact lazing around on the couch watching Maury all darn day long! It's kind of like when you pay someone to paint your house, and then find out from your visiting niece that when you were at work and they didn't think anyone was watching, they went and spent a couple of hours in the neighbours pool. (True story! I was the niece!)

Okay, so I digress. This is getting ridiculous, my dear ovaries. 40 days, and the best you can do is tease me? Three patches of fertile cervical fluid, spotting, and a temp line that resembles the Rocky Mountains? Pathetic! If you were performing up to standard, I would have been over AF a week ago and be getting ready to O again! In fact, you should have produced 9 good eggs in the 8 and a half months since I started monitoring your activity, and you've only managed to put out 3! This is going to severely impact your performance bonus if you don't shape up.

Now, suck it up and get back to work!

My chart is driving me mad!

I really thought FF was going to take my cross hairs away today, but since my coverline is a whopping 36.15 celcius (like, WTH?) my 36.22 temp this morning wasn't low enough.

I'm 99.99% sure I didn't O. I haven't had any of my usual post-O symptoms. If you look at my overlay, this cycle doesn't look anything like the last 3. And there's that really really low coverline...

So, from looking at my chart this morning, I should either be looking forward to AF tomorrow, or settling in for more confusing waiting.

I think my chart is mocking me.

Edited to add: Well, I was messing around, and I threw a temp back in that I had discarder earlier this cycle (I vaguely remember that it was taken several hours late, and that at the time it was causing FF to give me crosshairs as ridiculous as the latest set, hence why I discarded it), and behold! No more crosshairs. Thank goodness, because I was getting sick of looking at them! ;)

Just got home from visiting a two day old baby. It was much harder than I expected it to be. I've been around lots of babies since we started trying, but this is the first one born to a couple we're really close to that started trying after us.

I feel such a disconnect right now, because I am *SO* happy for the parents (the dad and I have been friends since junior high, and the mom and I have gotten along fabulously from the first day we met, and I just love them both to pieces) but at the same time, I'm in so much pain and really wanting to pull away and I know that isn't fair to them. Every new baby deserves to be celebrated and surrounded with joy, and I feel like I need to be a part of that because of how special these people are to me.

I managed to hold it together for the most part while I was visiting. They both know of our struggles, so they weren't in danger of inadvertently saying something that would make it hurt even more, so that was good.

R is much more optimistic about our appointment in 10 days than I am, which I think is part of the reason I'm so emotional right now. I really wish I could go back to the excitement of the first few months, when every cycle felt like "the" cycle, instead of just another chance to be let down.

*sigh*

Just got off the phone with the OBGYN's office. Turns out the doctor I was referred to is off injured, and even though he's back in a month, he's booked up until the end of June.

So, the receptionist said that I could see one of the other doctors, and I jumped at that. So now I've got an appointment for the 14th of May.

Yay! More progress!

On a more positive note...

New motto, courtesy of "Meet the Robinsons":

Keep Moving Forward

Kind of like 'just keep swimming', only smarter sounding. ;)

Random stuff...

People who started trying after us are already holding their newborn babies...

Apparently, secondary infertility isn't "really" infertility. Huh. Good to know...

According to some, I should be "glad" that we haven't conceived yet, because the longer it takes the more time I have to finish my degree and get more established in my field before "dealing" with a new baby...

Ugh... I had more when I was driving home from work today - maybe I'll remember in the morning.

Oh - and I should really make sure I'm signed in to the right blog before posting stuff like this! Thank God I noticed right away, or I would be getting some surprised comments in the morning on my other blog!

Is it bad that I'm laughing at my chart?

Put in today's temp, and got dotted crosshairs. I sooooo did not ovulate, so when I saw that, I burst out laughing.

Yesterday's temp was taken 2 hours late, and the temp before was after less than 3 hours sleep, so both are artificially high. I thought about discarding yesterdays just to get rid of the crosshairs, but I'll wait and see what tomorrow brings.

I know I didn't O. No fertile CM at all yet this cycle. And by 5 DPO when I really do ovulate the progesterone makes me want to rip my flaming breasts right off of my body, and at the moment there isn't so much as a twinge coming from the girls.

Not to mention that ovulation on CD11 is completely laughable in and of itself, given my last 3 cycles.

My ticker is a link to my chart, if you feel like taking a look for yourselves.

I'm off to write my first final exam for this semester! Yay!

First off, R's SA came back normal in all aspects. He's been calling all of his guy friends that knew he was having it done to brag about his 54 million count. I think he's very relieved. Partly I'm sure it's the male ego thing, and partly he shared my concern about us both having problems. Nothing to worry about on that front!

As for me, still no conclusive answer. CD3 FSH came back normal. 7DPO progesterone came back normal. The first LH and FSH draws were useless, because we didn't miss the surge like we were hoping. So, she suggested doing the ratio again next cycle, but then changed her mind and said she's sending me straight to the OBGYN. She said he's probably going to want to start with Clomid based on the length of my recent cycles, so she told me to think that over and weigh the pros and cons before I go for my first appointment there. I mentioned that I was nervous about side effects but she reminded me that reaction to Clomid is very individual, and said that she barely had so much as a hot flash when she was taking it. We had talked Metformin before, but she mentioned that because of that recent paper that questioned the effectiveness of it and based on conversations she has had with our local OBGYNs about other patients, they all seem to be moving forward with Clomid first.

Anyway, so the referral is in and I should get a call within the next couple of weeks to set up my first appointment. Still no answers, but definite progress!

Oh, and in other news, we got a fish tank today! We're going to cycle it for a week and then see how the levels are before we add fish, but it's looking like we'll have our first pets really soon!

My favoritest (yeah, that's right - I said favoritest!) quote at the moment is from a Harry Potter book.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." - Albus Dumbledore

I came across it while reading to M one night, and I've been meaning to blog about it ever since. It really fits my current situation and state of mind, and I'm trying to remember it when I find myself focusing too much on our conception difficulties. I'm finding it very difficult to not let negative and/or sad thoughts creep in all the time, but I'm working on it.

Less than 24 hours to blood work results!

Now, I would imagine that most of my readers also read regularly over at the oneliner, but just in case some of you haven't found that blog yet, you should go and read this post. It's a great post. One I'm going to bookmark and go back and read over and over again when things are tough.

Okay, so I should totally be studying for exams and not blogging right now, but I wanted to update on my call to the doctor's office today.

Yes, they have our results in. The nurse couldn't tell me why we hadn't been called, other than maybe my doctor thought that we were just going to book an appointment after the tests were done, assuming that they would be in by the time we could get an appointment. Of course, I remember clearly that she told me that they *would* call me, because the blood work before that took so long to come back (so long in fact, that I still don't know those results, because the results weren't in for my last appointment).

Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore. We're booked in for Monday to go over the results. Crossing my fingers that the results bring answers and not more questions!

Still waiting. Grrrr.

I think I'm going to call tomorrow on my lunch break, and see what's up. I wasn't going to, but DH and I were talking about it and he's just as anxious as I am, so now I feel justified in calling.

Hopefully I'll get some answers soon!

I don't actually have anything new to say - still waiting on all of my test results, and R's. I'm going half mad waiting, but I have to remind myself that the latest tests were only done last Wednesday, and my doctor's office would have been shut down Friday and Monday (I worked both - yay for taxes! Or not...) so it's really only been 3 full business days (including the day of the tests, since we went in early).

Blech.

I'm sorry I've been so quiet for the last couple of days. I have had a lot of things on my mind that I want to post about, but I'm in this ridiculous funk at the moment, and every time I think about blogging it just seems like too daunting of a task to undertake. *sigh*

Still no results from any of my tests, but maybe this coming week. Hopefully we'll get results on R's SA as well.

The good news is that I seem to be past the tears of the last few days. It was getting to the point where every.little.thing was making me weepy. That seems to have turned to anger, but I think that is because of the migraine I've had for 4 days now. I desperately need to undertake a massive spring cleaning, but I'm nervous to do too much and escalate the pain.

Wow, this may qualify for the most boring update ever.

Oh, and in completely unrelated news!

I'm attending a conference in Montreal in May, and I am so freakin' excited. My hotel was booked for me yesterday, and my flights are getting booked today.

I have *never* been that far away from home, so I'm both excited and completely terrified. The longest flight I've even taken was about an hour long, and to Montreal (almost all the way across the country from me!) is just under 5.

Now I just have to decide if I'm going to take my BBT with me on the trip, or take 4 days off from temping...

R had the NERVE last night to complain when I took the last scoop of ice cream.

I promptly reminded him not to f*ck with the crazy hormonal woman.

And to put ice cream on the shopping list next time he leaves only one scoop.

Men. ;)

So, I went for my CD3 blood work, but left very confused and emotional. Dr. only ordered FSH, not LH & FSH, and I'm not sure why or what that means. From my understanding, it's the balance between them that matters the most, so I'm not sure why she would order one and not the other.

I think R thinks I've officially gone crazy, because I spent the car ride home from the lab fighting back tears. Part of me wants to call my Dr. and find out what's up, but I'm so irritated with that one receptionist that I don't want to risk having to talk to her again because in this state that would just send me over the edge. R thinks I should just trust that my Dr. ordered the right thing, since she's probably already seen the results from 2 weeks ago and definitely has more information at this point than I do. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

R did his sample for his SA this morning, and we rushed it to the hospital. So that's done, and he's feeling relieved to have gotten it over with.

*sigh*

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. It's sure been a string of lousy ones.

I'm think I'm in Stage IV, but I skipped over OPKs and went straight to my doctor after two 65+ day cycles in a row. Haven't had to submit to an HSG yet, since my problem seems to be more of the uncooperative ovary variety than the blocked tubes variety, but I guess we'll have to see what the specialist says. Hubby did his SA this morning, so we'll probably get his results about the same time as the rest of my results come in. Then it's off to the specialist. Yippee.

I'm curious to know where my readers fall in the stages, so please de-lurk and share. :)

So, I woke up this morning feeling new. The dark mood that has hung over me for the last few days had subsided, and I was ready to take on the world.

Then I called my doctor's office.

I had called yesterday to let them know I had started a new cycle so that my doctor could do a requisition for my day 3 work-up. I ended up getting her nurse's answering machine, so I told her what was up and asked her to call me back on my cell. Well, she didn't call my cell, but she did leave a message at the house asking me to call and confirm which lab I wanted my requisition sent to.

I figured I'd tackle that before I went to work, because I know I have a busy day ahead of me at the office, and I don't need any distractions.

I get the receptionist. I ask her to transfer me to my doctor's nurse. She says she's sorry, but she can't do that before nine. Fine. Can I leave a message? Then she says, with full snark on, that she just explained that she can't put me through until 9. Now normally, I would have just put my tail between my legs and called back later, but I've got full on raging Day 2 hormones going on. So I said that I understood that, but perhaps she could grab a pen and write down a message?

It doesn't come out well on screen, but my words were literally dripping with the snark I was throwing right back at her.

She reluctantly agreed to take the message, and I hung up.

And then I cried.

Damn I hate hormones.

I swear the cramps are getting worse every cycle. Or maybe I just suffer from the same kind of amnesia in regards to menstrual cramps that some people swear allows women to forget all about child-birth and consider having more than one child.

All I know for sure is that it currently feels like my uterus is trying to claw its way out of my body. Maybe it's decided that it doesn't like my ovaries any more than the rest of me does, and it's decided to make a run for it.

I darn near smothered R tonight for chewing too loudly. Gotta love hormones!

Midol PMS. Good stuff man. Good stuff.

I've never taken the PMS variety before - I've just stuck with the menstrual formula, but since I didn't specify to R what kind I wanted when I sent him to the store yesterday, he grabbed the PMS formula.

The PMS variety contains a mild sedative. Which is absolutely freakin' perfect when you're irritable to the point of wanting to rip someone's face off for breathing too loud.

The world is a much better (albeit slightly fuzzy) place today.

Sara over at The Island has a nifty little nerd test in her sidebar, so I clicked on over for a giggle. Turns out, I am an even bigger nerd than I imagined!



How about you?

Just for kicks, I also took their "Are You Stupid" test.

Wanna know what I just did?

Well, I can tell you that I most certainly did *not* eat an entire family sized Caesar salad, complete with an entire bag of croutons. And extra dressing. And extra parm.

And I most certainly did *not* eat it directly out of the serving bowl.

No, I most certainly did not.

At least, that's what I keep trying to tell myself.

AF is definitely on her way, because I am in full on bitch mode today. Luckily, M is with the grandparents until after dinner and R is working on the cars, so I can sit here and feel sorry for myself and eat a mountain of chocolate in peace. The cramps have started, and I'm out of Midol, so I'll be sending R to the store later for more. I'd go myself, but I personally think it should be illegal for me to get behind the wheel of a car when I'm this irritable, so it will be better for everyone if he goes for me.

If anyone reading this has any magic remedies for PMS symptoms, please share in the comments. :)