Friday, May 4, 2007

Just got home from visiting a two day old baby. It was much harder than I expected it to be. I've been around lots of babies since we started trying, but this is the first one born to a couple we're really close to that started trying after us.

I feel such a disconnect right now, because I am *SO* happy for the parents (the dad and I have been friends since junior high, and the mom and I have gotten along fabulously from the first day we met, and I just love them both to pieces) but at the same time, I'm in so much pain and really wanting to pull away and I know that isn't fair to them. Every new baby deserves to be celebrated and surrounded with joy, and I feel like I need to be a part of that because of how special these people are to me.

I managed to hold it together for the most part while I was visiting. They both know of our struggles, so they weren't in danger of inadvertently saying something that would make it hurt even more, so that was good.

R is much more optimistic about our appointment in 10 days than I am, which I think is part of the reason I'm so emotional right now. I really wish I could go back to the excitement of the first few months, when every cycle felt like "the" cycle, instead of just another chance to be let down.



  1. I've been thinking of you lately. I just found out that two of my cousins are now expecting too. And mel's baby is due any day. I know what you mean about the disconnection of emotions (and for me, the guilt). I'm looking forward to seeing you this summer so that I can give you a big hug.

  2. I think all of us completely understand the "happy for them, sad for me" feelings that come when good friends/family have a new baby. I'm so glad that you have your appointment on the 14th- hopefully you'll finally be able to start getting some answers.