Still here, still alive, still exhausted...

Yes folks, I have in fact NOT dropped off the face of the earth.

I'm just tired.

I have several posts in draft form that I just can't seem to finish. Thoughtful posts. Possibly insightful posts. Potentially witty even. But for the life of me I can't focus the random thoughts into cohesive sentences to save my life.

I need to find my center again. Intensify my yoga and mediation practices.

And then I'll be back, hopefully before the New Year.

Take care everyone.

A guest blog entry, bought to you by the Great Blog Cross-Pollination

Updated to explain this post in case you don't know about the Second Annual Blog Cross Pollination. The short version is that I have a guest poster today, and I in turn have a guest post on their blog.  Please read the following post, see if you can guess who wrote it, and then click on over to their blog to see if you are right and find my post for today.  Enjoy!

Infertility, How I Wish I Could Quit Thee


The other day, my husband asked me what I write about on my blog, now that we aren't "infertile" any more.


Hmmm. Good question.


That's a tricky one, because although the proof of our supposed fertility is sucking on my left breast as I type right-handedly (thus explaining any typos), I still feel infertile. For so many reasons.


First off, there are still tiny reminders here and there of our days in the IVF trenches. There is still the small matter of an outstanding balance due on our egg retrieval. It should have been paid months ago, but my insurance company and the clinic are having a little war over billing codes. So, even though everyone knows that we shouldn't pay it out of pocket, we still get a bill every month. And every month, I scan it quickly to make sure that we are not getting assessed a late fee. As I scan, I see the list of procedures that remind me all that we had to go through to get to where we are today.


Secondly, we have already started the talk of When To Try Again. I know this is a conversation that fertiles have, too, but it's different. Having many close fertile friends, their discussions go something like this.


Husband to wife, "When should we start trying to have another baby?"


Wife to husband, "Well, we want to have a baby when so-and-so is X number of months/years old, so [counts backwards on fingers to get to nine months ahead] we should start trying in such-and-such month."


So then they do. And then they are knocked up either that first month or very shortly thereafter. Or, even more annoyingly, it actually takes (gasp) a few months for them to get pregnant and they call me up asking for advice because it's "taking so long" and I am "the expert" on getting knocked up.


Whereas our conversations on when to start trying to have another baby go something like this:


M to me: "When should we start trying to have another baby?"


Me to M: "Well, we have those five embryos, broken down into a straw of three and and a straw of two, so we have two chances. With our history, we should probably not expect the first FET to work, so we should probably start trying before we really want to get pregnant."


M to Me: "How many do we transfer? Two? Three?"


Me to Me: "We transferred two on a fresh cycle and one survived, so given that this is a FET cycle, we'll probably transfer three."


M to Me: "What if we get triplets?"


Me to M: Silence. "We'll have to talk to Dr. M about it."


Even though my scars of the past are slowly healing with each sweet smile and precious coo of my little boy, they are still there, deep in my heart, where I carry my lost angels. I don't think that they will ever go away and I wouldn't want them to. I truly believe that all of our loss has made M and me better parents. I know that we both cherish the little moments more than we probably would have otherwise. The birth of a baby doesn't instantly erase the pain and loss, it simply dulls it and makes it bearable.


So, what do I write about now that we are not "infertile" anymore? I guess I write about the obvious: our life with our son, learning how to be parents, keeping the romance alive between middle of the night feedings. The reality is, however, that I am not completely sure which category suits me best now: fertile or infertile? Perhaps it's not important to decide which box to check off right now. As time goes on, it might not matter so much.


But deep down inside, I still feel infertile.

Please guess the author of this post in the comments below, and then click over to their blog HERE to see if you were right!

Finally made it to Bellyfit. It was wonderful and I now have muscles aching that I didn't even know I had. I imagine that will subside after a few classes. I can't wait to go back!

The only thing I didn't like about the class (and this is totally ridiculous, I know) was that I was the chubbiest girl in the room. In my Mom and Baby Yoga class, everyone has a little baby chub on them, but in this class everyone was smaller than me.

I guess I just need to look on the positive side and use that fact as more motivation to get myself back in shape!

Must sleep now. I think I'll sleep better tonight than I have in weeks, provided LB's teeth aren't giving him too much trouble!

So, we're dropping a night feeding! Yay! Unfortunately, LB had major gas last night and we ended up being up half the night anyway because of that, but I'm sure we'll get some more sleep soon!

LB gained 12 ounces this week! Double what the nurses wanted to see, and making his two week growth over a pound! At his age, one pound a month is considered 'average', so it looks like he's catching up! He's moved up from the 3rd percentile to between the 5th and 10th, so definitely on the right track!

I am LOVING my new pump! I actually look forward to pumping now, rather than dreading it.

Anyway, lots to do and I'd still like to squeeze in a nap this afternoon, so I better jet! Take care all!

I am so wrecked right now. I'm really quite surprised by how tired I am, actually. It's only two feedings a night, but for some reason it feels worse than when he was newborn and waking up four or five times. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, but Friday is so far completely unscheduled so I think LB and I will be spending as much of the day in bed as he will allow, so that I can catch up a little. Tomorrow is weigh-in day, and if his gain is good enough I might be able to drop one of the night feedings. So cross your fingers for us!

I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to make it to Bellyfit because I keep unintentionally sabotaging myself! R called today to ask if I had any plans for tomorrow night, and I couldn't think of anything, so he accepted an invitation to dinner with friends for 6pm. So... maybe next week! I think I need to put up a schedule in my kitchen of all the things that I plan to do each week so things don't keep falling by the wayside!

Is anyone else seriously freaked out by what's happening in the stock markets worldwide right now? I don't even have any investments (Bad Chili! Bad!), and the whole thing is making me nervous. The plummeting price of oil is nice. We filled both vehicles yesterday for only $136 compared to the $165 we were spending over the summer. I can't help but wonder how much worse this is going to get...

The good news: LB gained six ounces from last Thursday to yesterday, which is exactly what the nurses wanted to see! We're continuing to feed every two hours during the day and four hours at night, supplementing with pumped milk after most feedings (my Medela Pump-In-Style Advanced is arriving tomorrow!!!). I'm absolutely exhausted from all the feeding and pumping and the loss of my 8 hour stretches of sleep at night, but it's worth it if we can pack some more pounds on this little guy! Current plan is to continue this feeding schedule and weigh in once a week to make sure he continues to gain. Cross your fingers for us!

I fully intended to make it out of the house for a little bit last night to go to the Bellyfit class I want to take, but then I had a blonde moment and invited the in-laws for dinner (home made chicken soup!) and couldn't go. Will have to try again next Thursday...

Definitely time for a nap. Momma needs some shut eye!

Wordless Wednesday - Finally a Big Sister

Find more Wordless Wednesday posts here.

Well, it really seems that I can't catch a freakin' break. *sigh*

So, after my last post, everything went even more sideways. I woke up Friday morning to what I can only describe as a catastrophic decrease in milk supply. Utterly confused and frustrated, the boy and I fumbled through the weekend feeding and sleeping, feeding and sleeping, and me doing everything I could to boost my supply, including starting Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle in combination, and continuing my rigorous pumping schedule (man do I feel like a dairy cow!).

Monday morning, the reason for the decrease became glaringly obvious when I awoke with brutal menstrual cramps. Then a few hours later, cue one of the worst migraines I've had in ages. The good news is that my supply has rebounded quickly (it's too early for the herbs to be making much of a difference, so I don't think that they are the reason) now that I've actually started my period.

So, this morning we trotted off to the Health Unit (after a wonderfully relaxing Mom and Baby Yoga class) for a weigh in, but I knew it wasn't going to be the improvement I was hoping for given the weekend's issues.

LB gained 2 ounces in 5 days, which while low is still a heck of a lot better than a loss and not too too far off the mark considering how challenged my supply was this weekend (stupid hormones!).

So, the nurse took my feeding/peeing/pooping diary, and she's going to fax that off to my doctor along with their notes from my last two visits so that I won't have to go over it all again on Friday at LB's four month checkup. Hopefully, he will have started to gain better by Friday. If not, hopefully this doctor will listen to me and start looking for other reasons other than low supply.

In other news, I think LB might have a bit of a stomach bug, because over the weekend his poops turned from the lovely yellowish orange they usually are to this brown and green toxic sludge. I asked the nurse this morning if that might be due to my low supply over the weekend, and she felt it was more likely an intestinal bug. Hopefully that will clear up quickly as well!!!

I just really really want this all to be resolved. I'm so nervous all the time that there is something seriously wrong with LB. He's technically in the 'failure to thrive' category now, having dropped below the third percentile for weight and length.

Another poster on another blog (sorry that I can't remember who - I have a lot of blogs in my reader! - let me know if it was you or if you know who it was) asked recently if moms who have gone through IF worry more about their children than fertile moms, and having been on both sides I can say that we certainly do! I mean, I worried about M too, but it wasn't this same gut wrenching terror I feel every time something is not going well with LB. Everything feels much more precarious with him, for some reason.

Okay, he's going to be waking up for another feed soon, so I better end this here. Thanks for 'listening'!

I'm am so flustered right now that I doubt that half of this post is going to make any sense, but I need to vent so here it is anyway!

I mentioned before that I had some milk supply issues, but they are under control. It had been a bit of a problem off and on, but for the last month and a half things have been a lot better. I've been doing all of the 'tricks' to ensure a good supply, including pumping between feeds, drinking (horrible tasting) milk boosting teas, 'super-switch' nursing, etc. all to make sure that my supply stays good. And it's worked very well.

The bad news is that LB isn't gaining well. And not only isn't he gaining well, but after a few weeks of 1-2 ounce gains, this week he lost 4 ounces. He's dropped from the 31st percentile for weight at birth to the 25th percentile at 2 1/2 months to the 5th percentile today. That's a huge drop!

So off to the doc we went. Not my regular doc, as she is on maternity leave, but another (apparently VERY old school) doctor in her clinic. Who despite my insistence that he is eating plenty and peeing and pooping like a champion, said that it sounds like a supply issue and that I should start him on rice cereal (!) and come back for another consult in two weeks. Now, I know there are a lot of people who start rice cereal early, but I am one of those people that goes with the recommendation of WHO, and the AAP, and Health Canada when they say solids should be delayed to at least six months. One of the nurses suggested another doc (a certified lactation consultant) for me to see, who happened to be working a walk-in clinic, so they called ahead and I rushed on over.

Only by the time I got there, the doc they had sent me to see had to leave, so I ended up seeing someone else. Who then told me that even though I *think* I have a good supply, I'm probably wrong (!), and I should supplement with formula and come back in a few days and see if that's helped.

So, then I headed off to the Health Unit, where I had a great little chat with a public health nurse who agreed with me that I seem to have a perfectly adequate supply and there is probably something else going on. She gave me a log to fill out - feeds, wet diapers, dirty diapers, behaviour - so that if he continues to lose/not gain I can take that to the doctor as 'proof' (based on his output) that his intake is in fact sufficient.

Both of the doctors did give him a fairly thorough physical checkup, and didn't find anything out of the ordinary, so that is good news but still not terribly reassuring.

I'm really really hoping that this is just a little hiccough in his growth, and that everything will sort out soon. He doesn't 'seem' ill at all. He's happy and active and just an all around wonderful little guy. But I'm scared. This whole thing just doesn't seem right, and I'm not sure what to do next. I'm of course going to fill out the feeding/peeing/pooping log, and go back to the Health Unit on Tuesday for a follow-up. I just don't know if there is something more I should do in the mean time.

To end this post on a happier note, here's my happy little guy!

P.S. to lisalou - I think we were at baby group together this morning. I didn't want to say anything, just in case it wasn't you, but I'm sure it was as Ruby is pretty unmistakable! She's even more of a darling in real life!

I wish I was coming here to say I have more smooshable pictures to post, but somehow my battery charger for the camera has been lost since the move and therefore not only can I not take pictures but even the ones I already had on the camera are irretrievable for the time being. I have one of those itty bitty tiny memory cards that doesn't fit in a card reader without a special adaptor - which is of course also MIA.

LB is almost eight weeks old now, and I cannot believe how fast the days are flying. Between snuggling the little guy and keeping up with the laundry (I love my cloth diapers, but they are definitely more work!) I have little time for anything else - which is both great and unfortunate, being that my house is still only half unpacked.

LB is growing well, despite some minor milk supply issues likely related to the PCOS. I'm back on Metformin now, and that seems to have fixed the problem.

He's still got his nights and days backwards, which is great fun. It's a small miracle that I'm here posting right now, as he went down tonight two hours earlier than normal (although I hear him stirring, so it could be short lived). I've been told that trying to alter sleep patterns is futile until at least three months, so we're going to tough it out another month and if he doesn't get it figured out by then we're going to have to help him with it. Not really looking forward to that, because it basically involves keeping him awake when he wants to be sleeping, which sounds like a sure fire recipe for a cranky infant!

We're also dog sitting for some friends right now, and while I love their dog to bits I could have strangled him last night after I was up four times to tell him to cut out the whining. As if having an infant wasn't enough sleep deprivation, in between feeds I had the darn dog waking me up! Last night was his first night here, so hopefully tonight he'll be more comfortable. As I type this, he's snoring away in his kennel a few feet away from me, so maybe that's a good sign.

Ugh. I'm sure this post is painfully boring, but I'm too brain dead for anything more. Maybe in another two months I'll be getting enough sleep to be coherent, if not witty!

Take care all!

I am so so sorry that I've disappeared for the last little while. Everyone is fine, and healthy, and wonderful - I've just been so busy with finishing work, bringing home a newborn, and getting ready for the big move... It's been insane!

Our latest addition - I'm going to call him LB on the blog (for 'little buddy', the nickname his big sister has given him) - arrived June 10th at 12:45pm. He was 7lbs 12oz and 20 inches long. He is an absolute delight and we are so blessed to have him here safe and sound and healthy. His birth was very intense, but went absolutely perfectly. We couldn't have asked for a better experience, or a better doctor, or better nurses. It was fantastic.


Isn't he just so smooshable?!? I feel like kissing the computer screen every time I look at this picture!

We're all settling in well, despite a head cold that has worked its way through the house starting with R and ending with me - the only one spared so far is LB, which will hopefully continue!

But... now I need to get back to packing - moving day is coming up so fast!

Thanks for checking in on us everyone!

Can't believe this baby is considered term as of tomorrow! How did we get to 37 weeks already?

To update from my last post, we ended up buying a house and we move in at the end of June. Junior should be about 3 weeks old then, so I imagine moving is going to be a nightmare but we've rounded up tons of helpers so hopefully it won't be too bad. We're only moving about 2 minutes away, so at least it's not super far. I've pretty much told R that I'll be spending the day tending to Junior, and the rest is up to him.

I'm frantically trying to wrap up everything at work so I can be off as soon as possible. My blood pressure is starting to be a problem, so I need to finish up at work before my doctors tell me I have to be finished. Hopefully only a few more days.

Everything is pretty much ready now - bassinet is set up and ready, baby clothes are washed, diapers are washed and ready, and my hospital bag is in progress. Now all we have to do is wait!

One week ago today, we received word from our property management company (through which we have rented our lovely home for the last three years) that the owner had decided it was time to sell, and the house would be on the market in a week if we didn't come to an agreement to buy it ourselves.

Cue much crying and stressing and general freaking out on my part. With my maternity leave rapidly approaching, finding somewhere new to live (bought or rented, depending) and then moving is a very daunting task.

So, we tried to come to an agreement with the owner, but as of this moment they are asking $13k over the absolute maximum we are willing to pay for this house. As much as we love it, it's just not worth as much to us as they want to get for it...

Which is too bad, but such is life.

So, tomorrow, R and I start looking at other houses in the area. Yay! for finally buying a house, but not so Yay! that it's right now. Luckily, we have lots of family and friends that have already offered to help us not only move, but also to pack (which is the really daunting part for me... Third trimester hormones are kicking my already exhausted butt!).

In other news, despite all predictions to the contrary I somehow miraculously passed the three hour GTT! I failed the one hour so badly both my doctor and I figured the three hour was only a formality, but surprisingly all values were within normal range! Yay! I just wish I could get those two days of my life back, where I was so sick from just doing the test that I hardly got out of bed!

Other than the house stress, and the waiting for the GTT results stress, everything else is going as good as can be expected. It's tax season, which means I'm ridiculously busy at work, and the two night classes I'm taking are keeping me very busy as well, but I'm getting by. Only a couple more weeks till exams, less than a month until tax season is over, and less than two months until I'm off work for about nine months!

New pics to the right if you're interested!

We had a lovely two days away in Ucluelet this past weekend, and I have some amazing pictures to share from our trip - yes, we did find the camera cord finally! It wasn't where I thought it was at all - R put it away in a place that he felt made sense, and then forgot where that was until yesterday!

We're down to the double digits on our countdown - completely unbelievable!

Must get back to work, so more soon!

I can't believe it's been a whole freakin' month since I last posted! I keep meaning to... And I am still trying my best to keep up with all of the blogs on my list, just not keeping up with my own blog!

I've got lots of belly pics to update, but I've somehow misplaced my camera cord, and though both my printer and laptop have card readers I lost the adaptor that makes my super tiny memory card fit into the right slot. I have an idea which room the cable is hidden in - the soon to be new-person room, formerly my home office/random stuff storage room - but I haven't been able to pull together the motivation to actually look for it.

Things are progressing normally. I've had a few minor meltdowns over things that turn out to be nothing - things that at the time scare the crap out of me, like extremely painful Braxton Hicks contractions coming every five minutes for hours on end, exposure to Fifth Disease, and more. According to my doc, the severity of the BH is normal as long as I show no other signs of early labour. And the Fifth Disease exposure turned out to be a non-issue because I have the right antibodies to show that I have already had it earlier in life. And there's been other stuff... stuff I almost ran to the computer to blog about but then decided to wait until I'd been checked out so that I didn't unnecessarily worry any of you...

Work goes on as usual, with 101 days until my expected departure for my maternity leave. No, I'm not really counting the days like it seems - I just know that I have 111 days til my due date, and I'm scheduled to start my time off 10 days prior to that.

So yeah, nothing new to report. GD test will be booked at my next appt on the 28th, and I am so not looking forward to that. I get migraines when I have too much sugar, and that test is guaranteed to exceed my 'safe' level of glucose consumption.

But... back to work for me! Read you all later!

I have a migraine, so this is going to be a very short post, but I promised myself I would get our u/s picture up before the end of the weekend.

I still have yet to pull my 16 week pic up from my camera, so it'll probably go up sometime this week with my 20 week pic I'll be taking Tuesday(ish).

Hope everyone is doing okay!

I officially have the attention span and memory of a goldfish.

And at the moment, that is totally bumming me out, because it means that I'm going to miss the first class of prenatal yoga that I was supposed to be going to tonight... Hopefully I'll remember next week or I'm going to be really bummed.

We had our 19 week ultrasound yesterday, and all is well. It was absolutely amazing, and wonderful, and beautiful. Stay tuned for a picture sometime soon...

I know I had more to write about... but I've lost everything to this case of goldfish brain I've got going on... so I'll have to try again later if I remember anything. *sigh*