So... Wow!

It seems it's been over a year since I've posted here.

Life is good.  Crazy busy.  At times trying and at times totally amazing.  Life with kids is like that for everyone, I'm sure.  Work and school are taking just about all of the energy I have and the rest goes to the family of course so I'm not writing so much anymore.

So that's it.  I didn't disappear.  Nothing tragic happened.  I just got insanely busy and forgot about my little slice of the web. 

Cheers!

Breastfeeding Dilemna

I have a confession to make.

Breastfeeding Destructor has not been the most wonderful experience of my life, and I think it's going to be time to quit soon.

I've had to constantly fight to keep my supply up, and am currently taking twenty-six pills a day just to keep my supply at a level where Destructor doesn't get so impatient while nursing that he bites me out of frustration. We supplement with formula as well, which some days he doesn't seem to need at all and some days probably constitutes most of his liquid intake. I also pump in between feedings when my supply is low, to try to stimulate more production, which I actually don't mind at all, but it is getting harder and harder to find time for as Destructor gets busier and more mobile.

I'm also going back to work full-time soon, and while I don't mind pumping at home I absolutely loathe pumping at work. I'm really fortunate, in that I have my own office with a lockable door, so it shouldn't be such a big deal but I just don't like it. I can, and probably will, continue to come home at lunch and pump then, but I'm not sure how long my supply will hold up for doing that.

But I just feel like a big ol' whiner for contemplating giving up now. We've only made it nine months and I planned on nursing him for two years. Of course, I had no idea of the struggle I was going to have with my supply.

I have to stop taking the Domperidone soon, as my doc won't let me stay on it for more than a month so that might make all of this moot because if he starts biting me again I really have no choice but to stop because I can't risk permanent damage from those sharp little teeth.

Oh, and I currently have a plugged duct which (pardon my language) really fucking hurts!!!

Thoughts? Advice? Suggestions?

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Post Appointment Update

So, I've discovered mobile blogging, which may just help me keep this thing updated more often because now I can blog from literally anywhere! Even in bed, which I'm sure R will tease me for, but it'll be great when I can't sleep.

So, the appointment today went good but not great. Destructor is overall healthy and doing well developmentally. But he's small. Very small. He's fallen back down to the 6th percentile for weight (still in the 60's for head circumference though!), and to the 21st for length. His doctor is concerned, but wants to take a wait and watch approach. We went over what C eats in a day, and she was very surprised that he is eating so much but not gaining. It's very possible he just has R's metabolism (R is 6' tall and 125lbs, if I haven't mentioned that before), but he wasn't a skinny baby so she doesn't want to just assume that is the case and not monitor C closely.

Just to give you an idea of how much C eats, he's breastfed an average of nine times a day and supplemented with formula, eats three meals a day including cereal mixed with formula and a wide variety of fruits and veggies (particularly the higher calorie ones), and he snacks in between meals! The kid should really be thirty pounds with his intake, but he's only just over seventeen right now.

She doesn't want me to change anything right now - we're just going to go back to monthly appointments and keep monitoring him and see how that goes.

Anyone else have a small baby and have any thoughts they'd like to share? I'm just trying not to stress out about it, because he's obviously doing very well despite his slow weight gain.

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Long overdue update!

In my last post, I talked about finding my center.  I'm still searching for it, but time has helped me be more at peace with the fact that I've lost it.  I've adopted more of a 'go with the flow' philosophy, and it's working much better for me.

My efforts at finding time to meditate on my own have been totally fruitless, so next week I'm going to going to a drop-in meditation class at our Buddhist Centre every Tuesday that R doesn't work.

Which brings up another topic, which is another major part of why I haven't been here for a while.  Just before Christmas, R started working a second job.  At first, it was to put money towards the TV he just had buy (fortunately on a twelve month no payments no interest plan), but as the economy has slowed down and his performance bonuses at his primary job have all but disappeared, the second job has saved our butts and allowed us to keep paying our bills while I'm still off on leave.

Which won't be for much longer... I've started back at work 1-2 days a week (up to 7.5 hours so I don't lose any of my maternity benefits).  R stays home with Destructor (his new nickname, now that he is mobile) on Mondays, and on Tuesdays he goes to the daycare right beside my office that we were extremely fortunate to get a space in.  Starting April 1st, however, I'm going back to work full-time which I'm both excited and terrified about. 

I'm sorry I left you all hanging so long - all is well and we are all happy and healthy.  Destructor has his nine month check-up tomorrow, so hopefully that will bring good news about his weight gain (I've stopped weighing him between appointments because it was stressing me out far too much and wasn't doing either of us any good).

Take care all!

Still here, still alive, still exhausted...

Yes folks, I have in fact NOT dropped off the face of the earth.

I'm just tired.

I have several posts in draft form that I just can't seem to finish. Thoughtful posts. Possibly insightful posts. Potentially witty even. But for the life of me I can't focus the random thoughts into cohesive sentences to save my life.

I need to find my center again. Intensify my yoga and mediation practices.

And then I'll be back, hopefully before the New Year.

Take care everyone.

A guest blog entry, bought to you by the Great Blog Cross-Pollination

Updated to explain this post in case you don't know about the Second Annual Blog Cross Pollination. The short version is that I have a guest poster today, and I in turn have a guest post on their blog.  Please read the following post, see if you can guess who wrote it, and then click on over to their blog to see if you are right and find my post for today.  Enjoy!

Infertility, How I Wish I Could Quit Thee


The other day, my husband asked me what I write about on my blog, now that we aren't "infertile" any more.


Hmmm. Good question.


That's a tricky one, because although the proof of our supposed fertility is sucking on my left breast as I type right-handedly (thus explaining any typos), I still feel infertile. For so many reasons.


First off, there are still tiny reminders here and there of our days in the IVF trenches. There is still the small matter of an outstanding balance due on our egg retrieval. It should have been paid months ago, but my insurance company and the clinic are having a little war over billing codes. So, even though everyone knows that we shouldn't pay it out of pocket, we still get a bill every month. And every month, I scan it quickly to make sure that we are not getting assessed a late fee. As I scan, I see the list of procedures that remind me all that we had to go through to get to where we are today.


Secondly, we have already started the talk of When To Try Again. I know this is a conversation that fertiles have, too, but it's different. Having many close fertile friends, their discussions go something like this.


Husband to wife, "When should we start trying to have another baby?"


Wife to husband, "Well, we want to have a baby when so-and-so is X number of months/years old, so [counts backwards on fingers to get to nine months ahead] we should start trying in such-and-such month."


So then they do. And then they are knocked up either that first month or very shortly thereafter. Or, even more annoyingly, it actually takes (gasp) a few months for them to get pregnant and they call me up asking for advice because it's "taking so long" and I am "the expert" on getting knocked up.


Whereas our conversations on when to start trying to have another baby go something like this:


M to me: "When should we start trying to have another baby?"


Me to M: "Well, we have those five embryos, broken down into a straw of three and and a straw of two, so we have two chances. With our history, we should probably not expect the first FET to work, so we should probably start trying before we really want to get pregnant."


M to Me: "How many do we transfer? Two? Three?"


Me to Me: "We transferred two on a fresh cycle and one survived, so given that this is a FET cycle, we'll probably transfer three."


M to Me: "What if we get triplets?"


Me to M: Silence. "We'll have to talk to Dr. M about it."


Even though my scars of the past are slowly healing with each sweet smile and precious coo of my little boy, they are still there, deep in my heart, where I carry my lost angels. I don't think that they will ever go away and I wouldn't want them to. I truly believe that all of our loss has made M and me better parents. I know that we both cherish the little moments more than we probably would have otherwise. The birth of a baby doesn't instantly erase the pain and loss, it simply dulls it and makes it bearable.


So, what do I write about now that we are not "infertile" anymore? I guess I write about the obvious: our life with our son, learning how to be parents, keeping the romance alive between middle of the night feedings. The reality is, however, that I am not completely sure which category suits me best now: fertile or infertile? Perhaps it's not important to decide which box to check off right now. As time goes on, it might not matter so much.


But deep down inside, I still feel infertile.

Please guess the author of this post in the comments below, and then click over to their blog HERE to see if you were right!

Finally made it to Bellyfit. It was wonderful and I now have muscles aching that I didn't even know I had. I imagine that will subside after a few classes. I can't wait to go back!

The only thing I didn't like about the class (and this is totally ridiculous, I know) was that I was the chubbiest girl in the room. In my Mom and Baby Yoga class, everyone has a little baby chub on them, but in this class everyone was smaller than me.

I guess I just need to look on the positive side and use that fact as more motivation to get myself back in shape!

Must sleep now. I think I'll sleep better tonight than I have in weeks, provided LB's teeth aren't giving him too much trouble!

So, we're dropping a night feeding! Yay! Unfortunately, LB had major gas last night and we ended up being up half the night anyway because of that, but I'm sure we'll get some more sleep soon!

LB gained 12 ounces this week! Double what the nurses wanted to see, and making his two week growth over a pound! At his age, one pound a month is considered 'average', so it looks like he's catching up! He's moved up from the 3rd percentile to between the 5th and 10th, so definitely on the right track!

I am LOVING my new pump! I actually look forward to pumping now, rather than dreading it.

Anyway, lots to do and I'd still like to squeeze in a nap this afternoon, so I better jet! Take care all!

I am so wrecked right now. I'm really quite surprised by how tired I am, actually. It's only two feedings a night, but for some reason it feels worse than when he was newborn and waking up four or five times. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, but Friday is so far completely unscheduled so I think LB and I will be spending as much of the day in bed as he will allow, so that I can catch up a little. Tomorrow is weigh-in day, and if his gain is good enough I might be able to drop one of the night feedings. So cross your fingers for us!

I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to make it to Bellyfit because I keep unintentionally sabotaging myself! R called today to ask if I had any plans for tomorrow night, and I couldn't think of anything, so he accepted an invitation to dinner with friends for 6pm. So... maybe next week! I think I need to put up a schedule in my kitchen of all the things that I plan to do each week so things don't keep falling by the wayside!

Is anyone else seriously freaked out by what's happening in the stock markets worldwide right now? I don't even have any investments (Bad Chili! Bad!), and the whole thing is making me nervous. The plummeting price of oil is nice. We filled both vehicles yesterday for only $136 compared to the $165 we were spending over the summer. I can't help but wonder how much worse this is going to get...

The good news: LB gained six ounces from last Thursday to yesterday, which is exactly what the nurses wanted to see! We're continuing to feed every two hours during the day and four hours at night, supplementing with pumped milk after most feedings (my Medela Pump-In-Style Advanced is arriving tomorrow!!!). I'm absolutely exhausted from all the feeding and pumping and the loss of my 8 hour stretches of sleep at night, but it's worth it if we can pack some more pounds on this little guy! Current plan is to continue this feeding schedule and weigh in once a week to make sure he continues to gain. Cross your fingers for us!

I fully intended to make it out of the house for a little bit last night to go to the Bellyfit class I want to take, but then I had a blonde moment and invited the in-laws for dinner (home made chicken soup!) and couldn't go. Will have to try again next Thursday...

Definitely time for a nap. Momma needs some shut eye!